My higher sense of self

•February 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Who am I?  The eternal question.  I know who I am.  My true me is my higher sense of self.  Who is she…..  She is 135lbs.  She is a health nut.  She is an avid runner, a triathlete, an ultramarathoner.  She is a nutritionist.  She is a motivater, a leader.  She is an artist who expresses herself through the medium of music through singing and the guitar.  She is a fan of hiking, camping, climbing, and crosscrountry skiing.  She lives for weekend outdoor adventures.  She is a hippy, holistic environmentalist.  She is a democratic compassionate soul “I am my brothers keeper”.  She is an advocate for life and for children.  She is extremely spiritual and enjoys exploring her own ever expanding spirituality.  She is an amazingly loving mother, a good teacher and devoted to her childs development of his own self.  She is an advocate of organic gardening and farming and dabbles a little a garden of her own although she is too busy to fully commit to it.  She is an advocate of the raw food movement.  She doesn’t force her son to eat raw but she does moniter his food and does her best to feed him a well rounded diet of natural, organic, healthy, sugar free foods.  His morning apple juice is always fresh squeezed.  She is competitive and motivated but enjoys the competition much more than any victory and is fine with any “place” in the race as long as she has done her best.  She is confident and while she is an introvert and willing to accept others even if thier values differ she is also willing to share her own if she feels the need to.  She is a light eater.  She loves chocolate and considers it an essential part of a well balanced diet.  She hates pop and artificial sweetener.  She will drink coffee but only on occasion as a treat.  In general she tries to avoid caffeine because she knows it is just borrowed energy that she will have to pay back later with an energy crash and she would rather enjoy the energy that a healthy well balanced diet provides.  She enjoys yoga, both the physical and the spiritual aspect of it but does it mostly to work on her flexibility.  She is not a good wife because she never intended to be a wife, she intended to be a partner.  She is hopeful, positive and full of life.  She sees opsticals as opportunities.  And she wears her battlescars with pride.  She is intuitive and spontaneous.  She is complex but at the same time pretty simple.  She loves love, she loves life.  If she had to describe herself in one word it would most likely be bohemian.  Her favorite movie is Moulin Rouge.  Her favorite song is just about anything acoustic.  And while she rarely drinks alcohol her favorite passtime (away from her kid) is sitting in a small bar with a group of friends, sipping on a glass of wine or a hefeweisen and listening to some local artist or local band, while discussing life, love or just planning the next hiking trip or trip to the zoo with the kids.  That, for the most part, is who I am.

My depression exists when I am not living in unison with my higher sense of self or my essential self. 

I am a mother, an athlete, a singer and guitar player, a health nut, an outdoor enthusiast, a compassionate bleeding heart liberal and proud of it.  Save the whales, save the rain forests, save all the children and end world hunger while living a bohemian life full of love.

Live like that and depression will be a thing of the past

My Job

•February 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment

My work is really important to me.  It’s just hard to remember since I am currently just in the beginning phase of my work.  I forget that it is my job to inspire, to be a friend, to give counsel, guidance and empathy.  I am starting down the path to become a personal trainer, a holistic nutritionist and a mental health counselor.  I want to focus my practice on helping people with eating disorders, the underlying causes and lifestyle changes.  I particularily want to help people who are compulsive over eaters.  I want to give them hope that they can change and that the change can be long lasting.  That they can find more joy and comfort in a healthy lifestyle and healing than they found in food.  That is the path that I am on.  I am just in the fledgling phases of it and because of my own situation I have to move forward slowely and deliberately.  But I know that I can be inspirational.  I know that I can lead.  I know that I can help.

•January 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

OMG!!!  Thank you God!  I can’t believe it.  God truly is talking to me and I am blessed! No, I am not schitzofrenic or anything.  I am just blessed and grateful!!  I found my program.  Finally, I can’t believe that it took so long to find it but I finally found it and I am sooooooooo excited.  It is a Master of Science in Holistic Nutrition……  Could it really be any more perfect for me well, yes!  It’s 100% online and it’s only 6500 dollars for the whole program, well plus the costs of books.  I can’t tell you how excited I am!!  Well, I had better get a dinner planned. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

30lbs to beautiful, to me

•January 16, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Today I got on the scale and it is official……. I am 30 lbs over weight.  I want to write a book.  I was reading my Bible today and I came across the scripture where Jesus describes the two commandments……Love the Lord our God and Love your neighbor as you Love yourself.  I think that the problem that I have is that the Bible seems to be aimed at those who do love themselves and need to redirect that Love from themselves to God.  It seems to be written for those who are prideful and feel a sense of entitlement.  Not for those who are like me and believe that they are fundamentally undeserving, worthless and pointless.  So, for those whose brains are hardwired for self-loathing like me, even if we recognize it as a sin, it is difficult to find support in the bible that says…..Love Yourself.  Therefore, when met with the commandment to Love others as we Love ourselves, well, that would be sinful because we would not be loving others at all.  Therefore we try……We try to love others but because of the demons in our head constantly telling us we are failures we feel that we fall short and quickly become overwhelmed and exhausted. 

I want to find where God tells me to Love me because I am created in his image, created uniquely, given special gifts, and upon birth corrupted by sin.  God created us, why would he “create” us sinful and worthless.

Argh!!!!!  It just all feels so confusing….. It makes me want to throw up my hands and exclaim. “I JUST DON’T GET IT”, as so many of us seemingly have.  Well, I am not ready to give up but the thought is never far from fruition. 

God, please help me to hear your truth.  Please help me to find peace.  Please help me on my faith journey.

No Title needed

•January 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.  At 152lbs it is so disgusting to me.  My size 10 pants are hideously tight!  When I look at myself naked there is not much that I see that is positive.  I see fat wide hips, a mushy gelatinous tummy and wrinkled, dimples cellulited thighs and butt.  It is such a dissapointment knowing what my body looked like a year ago now.  I was hot, thin, happy in my own skin and now I see a stranger when I look in the mirror.  It just sucks because it is not like I can change it quickly.  Change comes painfully slow.  I have started WW again and am sticking to it….pretty good but not as good as the first time.  It is hard to give up aspartame it was a major crutch the first time that I lost the weight.  I know that I can do it but I only have one or two points left today, which is fine…I can have a salad with ff salad dressing for only 1 point and I will be right on with todays points.  It’s just a little sad and discouraging to know that I let myself go this far.  I wish I could have a big weight loss week.  I wish that I could fit into my old jeans.  I wish I felt like I did that day in Seattle when I felt like a model walking down the street.  I felt thin, tall, hopeful.  I want that feeling back.  I want it back soon but to know that it is going to be atleast two to three months before I feel like that makes me wish that I had never let it go.  Stupid depression.  It ruined everything.  Well, that is fixed so now it is just me and self control and determination.  I am good at those things.  I can do determination.  I can do goal achieving.  So, discouragement be damned!  I may not like my body now but by playing the ww game I will have me back before I know it.  I can do it!  I do have it in me!  I can succeed!  Yeah baby Yeah!!!!!

Starting Over

•December 21, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I stepped on the scale today and I weighed in at an outragious 159lbs.  OMG!  I can’t believe that a few months ago I was a size 6 and now I am once again a size 12.  This is not who I want to be.  I want to be, no I am a size 6.  I am a size 6 existing for the moment in a size 12 body. 

I rejoined ww online today and I feel good about it.  I want the challenge….I welcome the challenge.  I know that if I just play the ww game and win it then I will win my body back. 

This person that I see when I look in the mirror is not me.  It doesn’t feel like me.  I am tired of being depressed.  I am looking forward to the challenge. 

I went off birth control this month.  If I don’t get pregnant this month then I am going back on birth control but I would not be totally dissapointed if I did get pregnant.  If I don’t get pregnant this month then that is it for me and I will be happy with my two children.  One here on earth and one in heaven. 

Sigh…….I am starting to feel a lot better.  Hope is a wonderful anti-depressant!

My Health Contract with me

•November 5, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Today is Day one and I need to make a contract with myself.  My weight is up to it’s highest that it has ever been since I started WW back in December of 2005 and I am all done feeling like this. 

Here are 10 things that I am going to do for my health…..

1. Play the WW game and lose 27.5lbs getting down to 129.5 lbs.

2. Continue researching Raw eating and work on transitioning my diet to a raw diet.

3. Cut caffeine out of my diet

4. Cut artificial sweetener out of my diet

5. Continue working the Beck diet solution

6. Stick to my 10 week runners world 1/2 marathon training program/ run 4 days a week

7. Do Yoga 3 days a week

8. Take my vitamins, calcium supplements and joint juice daily

9. Do my best to supply a healthy diet to Nicholas

10. Get atleast 6 hours of sleep everynight.

This is a 10 week program that I am comitting to.  So I might not lose all 27.5 lbs but if I can lose 20, which would be healthy, I will feel a lot better than I feel now and be a lot closer to my ultimate goal of 129.5.

My contract with my H

•October 30, 2007 • Leave a Comment

 Below is a list of my minimum standards, my boundaries:

When I am feeling disrespected, belittled, put down, etc. and I voice my concerns you will take 5 and instead of trying to convince me how you are not being disrespectful, etc.  you will take a look at your actions and validate my feelings.  You do not have to agree with them but you have to respect my feelings as valid.  I get to feel whatever I am feeling without that being challenged or threatened.  

I am not strong in my self confidence and as such I have two choices.  I could come back now, shakey as I am, and will need you to really be supportive and willing to validate my feelings and be considerate of my feelings to help me along my journey towards self-confidence.  Or my other option is that I stay here and continue working on my self-confidence via counseling and al-anon in a less hostile environment here.

If you fail to validate my feelings or I start to feel resentful I will go to my sponser, my counselor and the pastor. 

Also, when we get into a fight if it gets too heated for me I am going to take Nicholas and I am going to leave the house and when you have calmed down you call me and I will come back to the house and we will rationally discuss it. 

You also need to be aware that the silent treatment is a form of anger and abuse. 

As is snyde belittling comments that you spurt out under the guise of being sarcastically funny.  If I am not laughing there is a good chance that I don’t find it humorous and if I don’t find it humorous there is a good chance that I find it belittling and degrading.  When I ask you to stop I need you to stop.  Perhaps I am hypersensitive but that is why we need a counselor to help us with our communication so that I know when I need to lighten up and you know when you need to be kinder, more understanding and more respectful.

Basically, I need you to validate my feelings.

I need you to understand that cussing is not acceptable form of communication with me at any time.

I need you to take 5 and listen to what I have to say rather than debating me.

I need you to support me, be my cheerleader, give me an atta girl and help me on this journey towards self confidence.

Well, I guess that’s about it!

My contract with me

•October 30, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Major bummer that I just wrote a huge long blog about my contract with me and something got screwed up and it didn’t save.  It was pretty important stuff too so I am pretty sad at the moment.

I don’t really feel like re-writing it at the moment so I am not going to but I need to remember that mostly if I am not opening my mouth and sharing my feelings when I am feeling belittled, put-down or disrespected then I need to turn to my support which is….

My sponser

My counselor (personal/ marriage)

My pastor

If I have exhuasted all three of those options then I need to look at my contract with Jeff and see if I need to own it or if he is not living up to his end of the deal.

Okay, so here is the short course of my contract with me….

1. Go to an al-anon meeting once a week

2. Talk to my sponser everyday and when I am in crisis

3. See a personal counselor once a week

4. See a marriage counselor with Jeff once a week

5. Read my daily reader everyday and leave it out on the night stand

6. Get down on my knees and pray every day

7. Stay in touch with my friends

8. Read my SH books at least once a week

9.  Be honest and let the chips fall where they may

6 months, I commit to the above unwaveringly for 6 months (unless Jeff becomes abusive with his rages and particularily physically).  At the end of 6 months if I have kept my contract to myself and things are still unacceptable then I will truly be ALL DONE. 

Boundaries

•October 25, 2007 • Leave a Comment

So I am thinking of going back to my husband who I have been seperated from for a month and a half now.  I don’t want to go back.  I want to stay right here and continue to work on me but when he tells me in one way or another that his needs and feelings are more valid than mine I believe him.  After all, for years I have been devaluing my own needs and feelings to myself so when my husband does it as well, well he must be right…..right?  So okay, I don’t feel strong enough to ‘not go back’ but I do feel strong enough to set some boundaries, some contingencies upon return.  And here is what they look like,

1. On Monday nights I will go to OA and to al-anon meetings in Spearfish.  (I will arrange baby sitting for Nicholas)

2. I will call my sponser daily and when things are not ‘going well’ for me I will call her then too, with ZERO resistence.

3. What my sponser suggests is the final word whether or not Jeff agrees, and he will accept it.

4. I will see a counselor once a week.

5. Jeff and I will go to marriage counseling once a week.

6. Jeff and I will take Nicholas to church and bible study every Sunday.

7. I get one day a month just for me, Jeff takes Nicholas for the day.

8. Jeff will take me to dinner or to a movie or something else that I don’t plan once a month.

9. Jeff will NOT cuss at me ever.

10.  I will not live in active drinking.

11. If Jeff rages I will take a break from him and I get to define at the time what that means.

12.  If I share that something feels like emotional or verbal abuse, my opinion will be respected and not belittled, i.e. I will be heard even if not agreed with. 

13.  I will not accept cussing around myself OR my son, even if it is in jest. 

14.  I will not accept any drinking and driving, not even one beer.

15.  I will let you know when you your sarcasm is hurtful and be heard.

16.  If I express that a tone of voice or similar is frightening to me, my opinion will be heard and respected (no eye rolling, no gafawing). 

17.  I will never be told “that’s not what you are thinking, here is what you are really thinking” or “that’s not what you are feeling, here is what you are really feeling”.  My feelings will be validated. 

18.  I get to feel safe and able to express myself openly in my own home.

20.  I get to have my own opinions even if Jeff does not agree with them and again feel safe expressing them. 

Jeff, I know that you want me to come back and I am trying to respect your wishes.  And I also know that what is going on it is very frustrating and confusing for you and your feelings are valid. but these are my “terms” and if they are not acceptable to you then I will choose recovery over you and stay here in Billings and take care of myself and Nicholas.  Are you willing to live with the boundaries that I have presented here?

   I am working on a list of things that I need in order to come home.  I am not done with it and I want to fly it by my therapist because I want it to be fair to both of us.  My next appointment is Tuesday.