Boundaries
So I am thinking of going back to my husband who I have been seperated from for a month and a half now. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay right here and continue to work on me but when he tells me in one way or another that his needs and feelings are more valid than mine I believe him. After all, for years I have been devaluing my own needs and feelings to myself so when my husband does it as well, well he must be right…..right? So okay, I don’t feel strong enough to ‘not go back’ but I do feel strong enough to set some boundaries, some contingencies upon return. And here is what they look like,
1. On Monday nights I will go to OA and to al-anon meetings in Spearfish. (I will arrange baby sitting for Nicholas)
2. I will call my sponser daily and when things are not ‘going well’ for me I will call her then too, with ZERO resistence.
3. What my sponser suggests is the final word whether or not Jeff agrees, and he will accept it.
4. I will see a counselor once a week.
5. Jeff and I will go to marriage counseling once a week.
6. Jeff and I will take Nicholas to church and bible study every Sunday.
7. I get one day a month just for me, Jeff takes Nicholas for the day.
8. Jeff will take me to dinner or to a movie or something else that I don’t plan once a month.
9. Jeff will NOT cuss at me ever.
10. I will not live in active drinking.
11. If Jeff rages I will take a break from him and I get to define at the time what that means.
12. If I share that something feels like emotional or verbal abuse, my opinion will be respected and not belittled, i.e. I will be heard even if not agreed with.
13. I will not accept cussing around myself OR my son, even if it is in jest.
14. I will not accept any drinking and driving, not even one beer.
15. I will let you know when you your sarcasm is hurtful and be heard.
16. If I express that a tone of voice or similar is frightening to me, my opinion will be heard and respected (no eye rolling, no gafawing).
17. I will never be told “that’s not what you are thinking, here is what you are really thinking” or “that’s not what you are feeling, here is what you are really feeling”. My feelings will be validated.
18. I get to feel safe and able to express myself openly in my own home.
20. I get to have my own opinions even if Jeff does not agree with them and again feel safe expressing them.
Jeff, I know that you want me to come back and I am trying to respect your wishes. And I also know that what is going on it is very frustrating and confusing for you and your feelings are valid. but these are my “terms” and if they are not acceptable to you then I will choose recovery over you and stay here in Billings and take care of myself and Nicholas. Are you willing to live with the boundaries that I have presented here?
I am working on a list of things that I need in order to come home. I am not done with it and I want to fly it by my therapist because I want it to be fair to both of us. My next appointment is Tuesday.
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